SueTube – Let’s talk TV with critic Susan Young

OK, so really nothing could save the Emmy Awards telecast, which was the most ghastly thing we’ve seen since…well, we’ve never seen anything worse than this on TV.

Honestly, what were these people thinking? The San Diego Zoo produces less dung that this smelly beast. Right from the beginning, we knew it couldn’t be saved. When you have reality show hosts Jeff Probst, Howie Mandel, Heidi Klum, Ryan Seacrest and Tom Bergeron just standing around looking at each other saying “We’ve go nothing,” you know it’s going to be a bad night all the way around.

Although Ricky was the one bright spot:

And then there was the bit by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, which at least grabbed a couple of laughs.

But the only guy to rival Gervais was Don Rickles, who zapped the show like a pro. Too bad I can’t find a video of it.

Don Rickles and Kathy Griffith at the 2008 Emmys

Nope. Not even going Code Blue could save the Emmy telecast, which weighed in with only 13.1 million viewers. The only time fewer folks tuned in was the 1990 telecast on Fox.

Compare that to the dazzle of the Oscars, which lured 40.2 million viewers to the telecast. Heck, even the Country Music Awards brought in 16 million people.

GIDGET GETS BLEEPED

We have two words for you: Ryan Seacrest.

There’s nothing special or flashy about Ryan, and he brought the same amateur hour spirit to the Emmys normally reserved for “American Idol.”

RYAN MAKES EVERYONE UNCOMFORTABLE

And James Spader over James Gandolfini for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series? Emmy deserved the hit.

BAD PRESENTERS. BAD, BAD…and then there was James…

First, let’s just say that those censors had their work cut out for them tonight. At first, I thought it was just because something was going wacky with the East Coast telecast I was watching.

And to think when we wrote about the Emmys going Code Blue, we thought it would just be a little Emmy winning song by Justin Timberlake. Justin was a no-show, but the Code Blue was in full effect.

First, Ray Romano, who seemed to think he was playing some comedy club, got a little frisky with language associated with having sexual relations when he accused his “Everybody Loves Raymond” wife Patricia Heaton of bestowing her favors on Kelsey Grammer, who plays her former lover on the new Fox series “Back to You.”

That got blacked out.

Then you had sweet Katherine Heigl mouthing a profanity when she was named Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama. Oh, Katie, Katie, Katie.

Things kept going black and there were a lot of cutaways. You know when Jon Stewart gets away with saying bastard on primetime that the words others were saying had to be pretty bad.

Sally Field? Well, at least the ill-fated Oscar speech of “You like me. You really like me” now takes a back seat to her acceptance speech when she started forgetting her lines and ended with having the lord damn….well, we’re not sure what because it all went black.

Here’s a list of the winners, which didn’t include the big Sopranos win I had predicted. Look, if I could see into the future, I’d be living in Las Vegas right now.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy:
Jeremy Piven won again for his work as Ari, the abrasive agent in “Entourage.” You can’t argue with giving the statue to Piven, because he was great.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama:
Terry O’Quinn, who did a swell job as Locke in “Lost,” didn’t get my vote however. (I did like his speech in which he said that when he’s “rolling in the muc” he thinks about the “Desperate Housewives” baking cookies on Wisteria Lane. And getting a better paycheck. Yet, he still believes he has the best job in the world.
I chose Michael Imperioli because I thought, hey, last chance with “The Sopranos.” Guess the Emmy voters didn’t care.

Outstanding Actress in a Comedy:
Jaime Pressly of “My Name is Earl” took home the trophy and looked fabulous.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries/movie:

Thomas Haden Church for AMC’s “Broken Trail.” If you didn’t see the miniseries, you missed out on a great ride. Church choked us up with his teary tribute to his dad, who gave him his love for Westerns, and to “Wings” producer David Angell and his wife, who died on one of the planes on Sept. 11. But why does he insist on talking about his need to pee?

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama:
Katherine Heigl takes home the statue. “My own mother said I didn’t have a shot in hell of winning this,” she says. Mom looked a little shocked, but it all worked out in the end.

Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Series:
Late Night with Conan O’Brien”

Outstanding Directing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Program:
Rob Marshall for “Tony Bennett: An American Classic” on NBC.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a miniseries/ movie:
Who else? The man, Robert Duvall. First Emmy win, because he lost out in his first nomination in 1989 for “Lonesome Dove.” Duvall paid presenter Kiefer Sutherland a compliment for being “a good horseman.” Which he is. Everybody loves a Western, as Duvall says, “the Western is here to stay.” So let’s start making more.

Outstanding Miniseries, Movie or Dramatic Special:
Broken Trail

Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series:
Alan Taylor, “The Sopranos.”

Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series:
David Chase, “The Sopranos.”

Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Program:
“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”

Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Special:
“Tony Bennett: An American Classic”

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a miniseries/movie:
Judy Davis, “The Starter Wife.” Not here, but sure she’ll be thrilled, ”says Marcia Cross.

Outstanding Made for Television Movie:
“Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee.” Producer Dick Wolf, who thanked his very pregnant wife for not going into labor.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or movie:
Helen Mirren in “Prime Suspect: The Final Act.” “Oh, come on music. I’ve been talking enough.” Never enough, Helen.

Outstanding Directing for a miniseries/movie:
Phillip Martin “Prime Suspect”

Outstanding Writing for a miniseries/ movie:
Philip Deasy, “Prime Suspect”

Outstanding Individual Performance in a Individual Performance in a Variety, etc. :
Tony Bennett.

Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series:
Richard Shepard, “Ugly Betty”

Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series:
Greg Daniels, “The Office” Can we be any happier?

Outstanding Reality Competition Series:
“Amazing Race” wins again. Guess the category wasn’t fixed despite the Emmys being on Fox.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy series:
Ricky Gervais, “Extras.” He wasn’t there, so Stewart says, “Ricky Gervais couldn’t be here tonight, so instead we’re giving it to our friend Steve Carell.” Who should have won it in the first place.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series:
Sally Field. YEAH! Nice speech too until she started getting applause from those who thought she was done. She should have quit while she was ahead.
“I have to finish talking,” she says, then couldn’t remember what she wanted to say about the war. She babbled on until saying that “If mothers ruled the world, there wouldn’t be any God d…(blanked out of my broadcast).”

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series:
America Ferrera in her first Emmy win. Couldn’t happen to a nicer person. My only regret is that I didn’t go with my gut instinct and put her down as the winner.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series:
OK, the one guy I never thought would win it. James Spader, who won it for the same role on “The Practice.” But he gave a great speech. “I feel like I just stole a pile of money from the mob.” “I’ve been to a lot of concerts and these are the worst seats I’ve ever had.”

Outstanding Comedy Series:
“30 Rock” “I’d like to thank our dozens and dozens of viewers” says creator/star Tina Fey. Maybe there will be dozens and dozens more now.

Outstanding Drama Series:
Finally, Helen Mirren spins around the stage with the name of the series, “The Sopranos.”
OK, I finally got one right.

Well, at least you can’t say Fox didn’t use their turn at bat to flog their new fall line-up.

I’ll admit I laughed at parts of the opening song, “If you want it you can find it on TV’,” with animated “Family Guy” stars Stewie and Brian.

Loved the slam on “Cavemen,” but no one left unscathed. The hit on “Sopranos” when they same “and you never know how it’s going to (black screen).” Host Ryan Seacrest kept things moving along nicely, giving shots out to the crowd both in the audience and viewers.

The thing I like the most about Ryan hosting is that he doesn’t do a lot of it. Ellen DeGeneres is the best, so if Fox had to put “American Idol” in the spotlight, at least they let Ryan have as little airtime as any host in recent history.

The bang-bang we get four big awards: the Supporting Actor in a Comedy/Drama then Supporting Actress in a Comedy, followed by Supporting Actor in movie/miniseries before the first half hour has passed.

Sweet.

We’ll talk winners after the West Coast portion airs. But I can say that so far, my predictions have flopped miserably. Now I know why I don’t go to Vegas.

Wow. About 50 minutes in and it’s moving right along. Now we’ve got Tony Bennett and Christina Aguilera singing “Stepping Out with My Baby.’‘ X-tina shows what happens when you do things right in your career, Britney. Oh, and there’s def a baby bump there.

What I like is we have some serious moments that work, like the “Roots” tribute with the regal Queen Latifah, then some chuckle moments with “The Office.” Still, the acceptance speeches have left a bit to be desired.

Oh boy, Jersey Boys coming up…This is the first time in memory I haven’t looked at my watch after the first 90 minutes of an Emmy show and wished someone would put me out of my misery…I’m not saying this is a fantastic show, but at least it seems to be moving along at a fairly brisk clip and not taking itself too seriously.

But is that a good thing?

The Jersey Boys are here. “Walk Like a Man,” “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You,” and OK, I don’t know the title to the next song…“Who Loves You Baby?” Maybe. Help me out.
The songs come with clips from “The Sopranos.” An hour and 45 minutes and I’m actually tapping my toes. Maybe I’m just going delirious.

Now the “Sopranos” cast is on the stage. That’s one big cast. Lots of applause. Then commercial…that’s it? Just a bow? Odd little filler that….and when we come back, everyone seems a little surprised. I’m just wondering what it was all about.

Resident ranger Louis Black on my favorite topic _ those horrid promo crawls telling you what show is coming on next that ruin our viewing experience of what’s going on NOW.

There have been a lot of awards handed out, yet I repeat that in respect to no spoilers, I’m not going to start posting the winners until after they are announced on the West Coast…like you couldn’t get them early….

Oops. Bad sign. Ryan just showed up in a period costume. As Wayne Brady says, “looking like a medievel pimp.” Oh, now Wayne has selected Rainn Wilson and Kanye as the “randomly selected” participants to see who will win the opportunity to give out an Emmy. The category: “Songs of Kanye West.”

Fox keeps on flogging its shows. This is starting to look more like amateur night as things roll along.

Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, together again. Gotta love it. They’re talking about the “Green Emmys.”
“This baby runs on alternative fuel…Al Gore tears,” says Stephen with his leaf blower in hand.
Is bastard allowed on broadcast television? Guess we’ll find out on the West Coast broadcast. And the boys? Not as funny was we thought…

The roll of those no longer with us always gets to me.
Wow, only 10 more minutes until we’ve hit the three-hour mark. Will they bring it in on time?
Nah…

OK, the guy I never thought would win, just won Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama, but by golly he gave great speech….It’s now 8 our time, 11 back east. So much for an early curtain.

Hey. Only 11 minutes over. Must be a record.

Taylor Madison may only be 7, but she’s already in an Emmy nominated commercial.

The Livermore second-grader scored big time when she was cast in the snazzy Pepsi Pinball commercial, one of the best we’ve seen. If you haven’t checked it out, a young guy steps out of a store and gets smacked by a giant pinball and begins careening down San Francisco city streets and parking garages.

About 10 seconds into the commerical you see Taylor give him the stink eye as he whizzes past the car she’s riding in.

The awards were handed out last Saturday and Pepsi lost out to Ellen Degeneres’ American Express ad with all those cute critters. We still think Pepsi should have scored a win with this innovative commerical.