SueTube – Let’s talk TV with critic Susan Young

So what have we learned in the past two episodes?

We found out that turning the key is Desmond’s destiny, and that his girlfriend Penny’s sinister dad has a picture of a polar bear in his office.

Stop tweaking me, Lost writers.

Then last night we have sort of a Jack-centric episode that jerks us around about how Jack got his tats and what they mean. It was a like a bad SNL skit about Dancing with Wolves: Jack is man who walks with us but alone?

Get off the island, man.

Also, we find out that Alcatraz is just some island where The Others work and apparently, when they aren’t working, they live in some comfy suburb with regular backyards where teens gaze at the stars at night.

That is, when they aren’t being killed by the elders for crossing the line.

And the stewardess from Flight 815 likes looking at Jack caged up.

Get me back to my peeps on the island. I want Sayid, Hurley, Jin, Sun and Locke. And I want Sawyer, Kate and Jack back with them

And next week, could Charlie be the next character to move on to the next world?

Not that you asked, but Death Valley was much more entertaining than the name would suggest.

Talk about a real Death Valley, let’s get down to the first day of “American Idol” competition. Most of the singers left me with the “THIS is all you could come up with after all those auditions????”

First off, put your shoes on Paul Kim. It’s not endearing, it’s annoying.

And how did you go from being from Saratoga to San Jose? We’re still thinking that pool technician from Saratoga just means you’re cleaning your parents’ pool while trying to hit the big time.

Still, we’re willing to give Paul another week to show us his stuff. The judges say he’s got the best voice in the competition. Maybe you have to be in the auditorium…

Who knew the guy we’d like the best would be Beat Box Blake? He really showed off the pipes. Our top five picks right now are Blake, Chris R., Jared, Phil and Chris S. because he’s got spunk and we like spunk.

We’ll give Brandon an honorable mention.

But it’s way past time for Sanjaya to go home. We’ll get it out now. He’s our No. 1 pick for exile island. It’s creepy the way he smiles nervously while his eyes dart around like a wildlife caught in the cross-hairs.

Second is Mr. Knights in White Satin. What the hell were you thinkin’ Sundance?

Now, it’s time to gear up for the girls tonight.

OK, there’s so much I want to blog about:

There’s the bloodbath that’s going to happen on “Heroes.”

There’s the start of the real “American Idol.” (Please, all those auditions mean nothing. Some of the golden ticket winners have already been “uninvited,” which happens every year.)

There’s the action on “Lost” finally getting back to its core group and away from “Alcatraz Island.”

And then there’s Jack Bauer’s dad. Not since “Macbeth” has there been so much evil in one drama.

But even people who only watch TV for a living need to go on vacation. And where better to go to get away from phones and TVs than Death Valley.

So, as Simon says, off we go. And don’t worry. Everything is waiting for me on the DVR when I get back.

Chat with you all next week. And in the meantime, feel free to look over past blog items and comment at will.

Well, it wasn’t actually Kiefer Sutherland who got torched, but his little doll.

Oops. Make the “action figure.”

McFarlane Toys’ first “24” action figure based on Jack Bauer, Kiefer’s character on “24”, is expected to hit store shelves in August, with the second scheduled for holiday season 2007 release.

It could have come out a year earlier if they hadn’t sent the figure to Kiefer to get his approval.

As Kiefer told us during a TV critics set tour, he was working on the film “The Sentinel” when the prototype for the doll was sent to him.

“So we decided to take him out one night for dinner and a couple of drinks and then we lit him on fire in the parking lot,” Kiefer says. “It was pretty cool.”

Until he got the phone call later from the company asking him how he liked the action figure.

“I told them I liked it, and then they asked me to send it back,” Kiefer says. “I told them `You need to leave me a note about returning things in advance.’ It took a gentleman in Japan a year just to make it, and we were just having some fun with it not knowing.”

So, I asked Kiefer how the gentleman in Japan took the news of his creation’s destruction.

“I didn’t have that conversation with him” Kiefer says. “But I can imagine that he wasn’t happy.”

So, does this stunt rank right up with the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done?

“No,” Kiefer says. “That would have to be the Christmas tree.”

Ah, the Christmas tree. That’s the time Kiefer spied a Christmas tree in a hotel lobby in England and did a flying tackle. Check it out:

In fairness, Jack Bauer would have been proud. Kiefer asked first and offered to pay for the tackled tree.

Still, not something he looks back on with any fondness.

That old saying about hindsight being 20/20 was never more accurate on Monday night when it was revealed that the cheerleader’s real daddy is none other than Nathan Petrelli (Adrian Pasdar).

(Milo Ventimiglia, Adrian Pasdar)

Way back in July, I was chatting with Milo Ventimiglia about the relationship between his character and cheerleader Claire (Hayden Panettiere), who seemed quite smitten by Peter Petrelli.

(Hayden Panettiere, Milo Ventimiglia)

Could it be that Claire and Peter hook up later?

“No, I think that would be illegal in several states,” Milo said, referring I thought to the age difference between the teen and the twentysomething Peter.

But maybe when she turns 18?

“I think he’s really more of a big brother or an uncle to her,” Milo said, spilling pearls before swine.

Oh, I get it now. Peter’s her uncle.

Host Jeff Probst knows that he thinks has worked, and what hasn’t worked, on the hit series “Survivor.”

(Host Jeff Probst)

“One comes to mind, right away, is the outcasts in Pearl Islands,” Probst says of the ideas that didn’t work for him. “That’s one where we stepped too far. I argued until I had no voice left.”

In the Pearl Islands, “Survivors” who were voted out were allowed to come back into the game. That meant that people who could have stayed on longer ended up getting voted out before those who were brought back into the game.

Probst also thinks that the series bailed out too soon on the racially segregated tribes in the last cycle set in the Cook Islands.

“I wish we had a little more guts to stick with it, but I don’t run a network, and I don’t run `Survivor’ so don’t know what (else was in play),” Probst says.

So what do you think worked, or didn’t work, in other “Survivor” seasons? And more importantly, check out the season premiere of “Survivor” at 8 p.m. Thursday and let us know.

(19 new castaways, (alphabetical) Alex Angarita, Kenward “Boo” Bernis, Yau-Man Chan, Earl Cole, Jessica Deben, Erica Durousseau, Cassandra Franklin, Liliana Gomez, Andria “Dre” Herd, Stacy Kimball, Sylvia Kwan, Mookie Lee, Lisette “Lisi” Linares, James Reid, Edgardo Rivera, Anthony Robinson, Gary Stritesky and Michelle Yi, are set to compete when “Survivor: Fiji” premieres at 8 p.m. Thursday, Feb. 8 on CBS.)
Photo: Bill Inoshita/CBS

Here kitty, kitty. Time to check out the latest faces on the catwalk we call “America’s Next Top Model.”

In this eighth cycle, we’ll check out the 13 fierce finalists fighting for the right to look gorgeous and hang around other beautiful people.

I was thinking about what Miss J told me last month, about how models aren’t supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the room, but the most interesting one.

Haven’t really seen that yet on the show, but maybe this season.

This season, “Model” promises “tougher challenges and photo shoots ranging from the very glamorous to high-tech to controversial,” while the women live under one roof in a posh Los Angeles mansion.

The two-hour premiere remiere of “America’s Next Top Model” airs at 8 p.m. Wednesday, February 28 on the CW. And here are your finalists:

Name: Brittany

Occupation: Bartender

Age: 21

Hometown: Savannah, Georgia

Name: Cassandra

Occupation: College Student

Age: 24

Hometown: Seattle, Washington

Name: Diana

Occupation: College Student

Age: 21

Hometown: Garfield, New Jersey

Name: Dionne

Occupation: College Student

Age: 20

Hometown: Montgomery, Alabama

Name: Felicia

Occupation: Sales Associate

Age: 19

Hometown: Houston, Texas

Name: Jael

Occupation: Band Manager

Age: 22

Hometown: Detroit, Michigan

Name: Jaslene

Occupation: Online College Admissions Advisor

Age: 20

Hometown: Chicago, Illinois

Name: Kathleen

Occupation: Hairstylist

Age: 20

Hometown: Brooklyn, New York

Name: Natasha

Occupation: College Student

Age: 21

Hometown: Dallas, Texas

Name: Renee

Occupation: Stay-At-Home-Mom

Age: 20

Hometown: Maui, Hawaii

Name: Samantha

Occupation: Sales Associate

Age: 19

Hometown: Pinson, Alabama

Name: Sarah

Occupation: Photographer

Age: 20

Hometown: Lake Zurich, Illinois

Name: Whitney

Occupation: College Student

Age: 21

Hometown: West Palm Beach, Florida

The winner of The CW’s “America’s Next Top Model” will be managed by Elite Model Management. She also receives a $100,000 contract with cosmetics giant CoverGirl. Finally, the winner will appear on the cover and six-page fashion spread in Seventeen magazine.

Now that his pal, comic Sarah Silverman had her own show on “Comedy Central,” will we be seeing Jimmy Kimmel actually acting?

(Sarah Silverman with Jimmy Kimmel)

“Jimmy makes one cameo appearance that if you blink you will miss it,” Sarah says. “He plays Joan the Dispatcher in a party scene for Jay’s birthday.”

Jay Johnston plays a policeman who goes out with Sarah’s sister Laura, who is played by Sarah’s real-life sister Laura. The names, apparently, remain the same so the actors can concentrate on more important stuff in this irreverent comedy.

“It’s (Jay’s) birthday party, and Jimmy says to Brian (Posehn) by the punch bowl – as the camera pans, you just see him and he’s dressed as a woman, but it’s very not trannyish. It’s very like a
short woman’s haircut, very little makeup,” Sarah says. “And he says, `They call me Joan the Dispatcher because there’s
another Joan in accounting.’ “

Brian takes a beat, then he improvised, “You’re tall.”

“That’s it,” Sarah says. “But it’s very sweet.”

Or at least as sweet as it gets in the comedy revolving around the self-centered Sarah and her life sponging off her sister and hanging with her friends. “The Sarah Silverman Program” premieres at 10:30 p.m. Thursday on Comedy Central.

Oh, why oh why weren’t we paying better attention when Rebecca Romijn told us the identity of her character on “Ugly Betty”?

When we asked during a set visit what the name of her character was, she said “Alexis” with a twinkle in her eye. The blue blinded us to the fact that she was tipping us off about the fact that her character is Alex, the sex-changed, not really deceased brother of Daniel.

But no matter. We move on.

Rebecca’s fiance Jerry O’Connell, who stars in the NBC series “Crossing Jordan,” makes a guest appearance on “Ugly Betty.” Jerry plays Joel, a man Alexis meets while slumming in a sports bar with Wilhelmina (Vanessa Williams).
Sounds like fun.

( Rebecca Romijn, left, and Jerry O’Connell kiss as they leave following the screening of the film “X-Men: The Last Stand,” at Cannes. Photo: AP Photo/Kirsty Wigglesworth)

Emily VanCamp, who charmed viewers as Amy Abbott on “Everwood,” joins the cast of ABC’s “Brothers & Sisters” later this season.

Emily plays Rebecca Harper, the daughter of the late William Walker (Tom Skerritt) and his mistress Holly Harper (Patricia Wettig). Rebecca has been a carefully guarded secret for the last two decades, but should pop into the spotlight shortly.

The series, starring Calista Flockhart, Rachel Griffiths and Sally Field, is about a wealthy California family rocked by the secrets kept by their late father/husband.

Greg Berlanti (“Dawson’s Creek,” “Everwood”) was brought on board after the pilot was made and his influence has helped put this series on the right track.